I went to take a peek at my lil ham when I got home after clubbing
cause I treasure her a lot
and I feel very happy with her around -
she never fails to cheer me up whenever I'm down.

Tonight, he was there.
I saw her clinging onto him like a life buoy.
I didn't even feel any form of jealousy.
It was just plainly pathetic, utterly pathetic.
I kinda pity her.
What sorta woman would compromise her dignity for a guy
who doesn't appreciate it?
She's signaling to him that I don't deserve any respect from you;
I can't live without you;\
which easily translates into
you are worth more than my self-esteem.
She'd never earn his love, care or attention that way.
Who'd wanna respect someone who actively throws away her own self-respect
without any further second thoughts?
Sighs
This severe lack of self-worth is just brutally depressing
and as a woman myself,
I find it terribly upsetting
and an extreme disgrace to my own sex.
Women are supposed to embody
femininity, graciousness and utmost elegance
- the fairer of the sex.
Despite the revolution of concept of ancient feminism,
it now is further expanded to include certain form of
traditional masculine characteristics such as
assertiveness and boldness.
But this does not mean we dump all of our former womanly values
which for centuries won the admiration of many men
in our backyard
and turn our back on them forever.
It just means that women are now stronger
in soul instead of physical strength
than traditionally thought to.
Emotional strength
is indeed a true test of strength.
And apparently she
although seemingly strong and bitchy on the outside
is in reality weak and helpless on the inside.
Strong women aren't fierce, menopausal women
going around to pick fights,
they embody the traits of integrity, dignity, tolerance and love of humanity.
Sighs
I didn't quite understand that last time.
But over time,
as my experience weathers my false misconceptions away,
my previously infantile outlook
got molded into a fine balanced reflection of reality.

Seeing him come out of the club with another really good friend
to accompany me
without me asking him along
was a pleasant and welcoming sight.
Sadly, that's the end.
I did have had some trailing thoughts of
where is he, I wanna be near him,
I get excited when he's near me,
I want him to spot me,
at the back of my mind.
But somehow I managed to keep these whispering voices at a minimal volume.
They were quite many times
that I thought I caught him looking over,
but I managed to clamp these down,
by convincing myself that in reality it's the opposite.
I didn't have any slightest form of depression lingering in my brain.
I feel free, happy and truly happy to be alone.
For the first time in my life,
consciously and subconsciously.
I am not actively seeking out a partner,
or sensing a void in my heart because I am alone.
I am truly leading a fulfilling, carefree and independent life.
And I am freaking loving it.


P.S. I guess the back thoughts were just done subconsciously out of habit.:)