onetonofmee

2011-06-14T21:18:00.000+08:00

I feel bad.
Really bad.
I don't want this to happen again.

2011-05-07T22:21:00.001+08:00

Dear dear
can you be my Thor
and bring me to your Asgard?
I got a little tired waiting over here.

2011-04-22T09:54:00.000+08:00

Time to say good bye.
Albeit an unwilling one.

2011-04-21T12:26:00.002+08:00

Could you stop being bothered with the trivialities and bloody hell do some actual work that would value-add to our project?

Can someone tell me what is the difference between: "Perception is material in our case.." and "Perception is of utmost importance to us..."? Can't believe you really thought I meant material in the literal sense, could f*ing use your own brains and little common sense which I assume that you as a normal human being have to deduce that I'm not saying Perception is a Material (plastic, metal et.c) but Material in the sense of an anonym of Immaterial. Dumbass.

Compare:
"It is not interesting to comprehend the fact that we engage in social comparison but, instead, to understand the effects of undergoing such ubiquitous comparions."

with

"More important than the recognition the act of social comparison is the understanding of the effects of the undergoing of such ubiquitous comparisons."

Can someone tell me what's the difference between the two other than the writing style?

Does it even make a difference?

I had to spend ages editing your part which you copied straight from the notes that teacher gave us and merely rephrase it. Do you know what value-adding is?

Faggot.

2011-04-19T09:31:00.002+08:00

Love and longing,
Love and infatuation,
Loved and lost,
Love and lust,
Love and joy,
Love and ever-lasting happiness.

What's love?

Drowning, Savior, Indulgence in happily-ever-afters,
Drowsiness, Tender love and care,
What's-theres and What's-nots.
What is this all about?

The late David Foster Wallace...

2011-04-19T09:14:00.002+08:00

The Pale King:
(setting in soul-flattening, raging with boredom chamber of the IRS"

"Howard Cardwell turns a page. Ken Wax turns a page. "Grovy" Bruce Channing attaches a form to a file. Ann Williams turns a page. Anand Singh turns two pages at once by mistake and turns one back which makes a slightly different sound. David Cusk turns a page. Sandra Pounder turns a page. Robert Atkins turns two separate pages of two separate files at the same time."

"He sits there longer and longer until the audience gets more and more bored and restless, and finally they start leaving. first just a few and then the whole audience, whispering to each otherhow boring and terrible the play is. Then, once the audience have all left, the real action of the play can start."

TIME magazine
Lev Grossman comments:

"Th Pale King is an attempt to stare directly into the blind spot and face what's there. It's an account of accounting."

"... It tells us that all art is a travesty of life, because real life happens in private, alone, before an empty house, without the gaze of an audience to ennoble or redeem it..."

"... The plays' the thing, but the waiting is the play. And the waiting is the hardest part."

Love it, absolutely.

2011-04-19T09:03:00.002+08:00

...
I was drowning
and you saved me,
why did you have to?
Now I can't reverse it,
and go back to where I strived so hard to be.
...

2011-04-18T21:24:00.002+08:00

If to embrace sanity
is to retain status quo,
accept the conventional
and adhere to common customs and social norms,
then you could say that
I'm a staunch lover of the insane.

2011-04-17T23:33:00.002+08:00

Was this a shadow I've been trying to disown for the entire that has past year?
The hidden side of me
which no one seemed to approve of?

2011-04-17T23:27:00.003+08:00

In my dreams,
you saved me from drowning
in the great flood that materialise outta nowhere.
After that came along
those happily ever after scenarios
that we're all too familiar with
but can't withstand the harshness of reality
and never truly materialise.
I don't know what to make of this dream.
But I do know I can't seem to withdraw from this surreal sense of joy
of having found something I've been looking for all these while
for a long time.
But it's just sad that
time and experience have thought me
airy fairy tales
always belong to another world
and I gotta come back down to earth.

2011-04-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

Missing those times when I get to hang out late
and really get connected to people.
Missing those times when I could just let my hair down
and not think about the dozen of stuff
I've gotta do the next day.
Getting sick and tired of working none stop,
sometimes I wonder what am I really working so hard for...
Maybe that's what growing up means.
If that's that,
I sill can't tear myself away from mindless indulgence of the youth.
I think I'm not ready yet.
I just hadn't had enough if the good time yet.

2011-04-08T12:50:00.003+08:00

Blown away, once again.
Don't you just feel that life is a series of helpless merry-go-rounds?
Helpless human condition.
Are we puppets under the command of life the puppeteer?
Hey there,
did you catch a glimpse of life mocking at us?
I surrender,
no more rebellions against its cycles.
It's time to indulge.
Goodbye needless excessive questioning.
Sometimes
things just happen without reasons.

It ain't always so cloudy in the school...

2011-04-04T22:37:00.001+08:00

you came up to me to talk to me today
when you saw that I was waiting alone outside for the midterms.
:)

thanks for clearing the clouds.

2011-04-04T22:26:00.002+08:00

Can't stand

the way you use your peripheral view to glimpse over at my notes
when you didn't catch what the Prof just said
because you can't shut your BIG FAT mouth.
And why can't you just ASK for my notes directly
instead of acting all creepy and sneaky trying to PEEP at them.
You think I can't see you?
I just pretend that I hadn't,
and just as you're screening your piggish eyes
at my last letter,
(purposely written in an illegible way so you can't decipher)
I tilt my paper abruptly away from you.
And enjoy that brief moment of glory,
when I see you jump albeit that slightly
outta your skin
as though you hadn't seen it coming.
Ha.

Sighs. Can't trust people in school these days.
When they approach you,
with 99% level of confidence,
you can say it's cause they want something good outta you.
And they make it so obvious
that you feel ever so slightly intellectually insulted
but still have to maintain your posture,
exercise some social courtesy and
put on a gracious front
pretending that you don't know.
In your mind, you've stabbed them a thousand times on the back.

It's getting harder to trust people nowadays.

Not your typical kinda joy...

2011-04-03T15:05:00.002+08:00

I never knew I would get this kinda happiness from tutoring someone.
It felt really, really great
when you knew that you could go beyond just managing yourself,
making sure you achieve what you want,
to helping someone achieve what they want.
This is amazing.
To achieve that,
you've gotta see through the person's eyes,
see what situation they're in now,
see what's hindering them from achieving their dreams,
see what's their strengths and weaknesses,
see how they leverage on them to turn dreams into realities.
Sounds like a colossal task.
I never knew I could do that.
At times, I wanted to give up when I'm overloaded with stuff.
The only thing that got me going was the promise I gave to her -
that I'd commit myself to helping her get through this horrendous A levels.
Each time I see tutoring as a burden,
I only return from each lesson feeling refreshed and accomplished.
I never knew such a small thing could amount to something great.
People ought to think I'm crazy.
But then again,
fuck you,
who cares about what you think long as I'm happy.

2011-04-03T13:13:00.004+08:00

I guess this explains how I feel towards the myriad of Bpluses raining down on me.

a less abstract expression: :'(

2011-03-27T22:23:00.002+08:00

The connection that I missed for so long
was back tonight.
Its transience
reminded me of its rarity.
Its not meant to be present in my life,
only as something to be coveted and missed dearly
but never being able to quite get it
much as I wish to turn back time.

2011-03-27T01:17:00.001+08:00

Just be yourself.

2011-03-22T20:57:00.002+08:00

oh no.
not again.
fast as the strike of a lightning.
unexpected.
I'm down in this again.
A puppet
trapped in Cupid's miserable
game of love.

When internships start raining on me...

2011-03-16T10:58:00.002+08:00

It was my dream,
to even clinch one internship
with a MNC.
Never did I think,
that when I have excess of them,
would I be freaked out by them.
Thomson Reuters Talent Mangement Intern,
Bloomberg HR Generalist Intern,
Mercer Surveys and Report Intern,
Virtual HR Internship.
A month ago,
I was still receiving rejection phone calls,
or worse still,
silent treatments.
I was so worried I couldn't get any,
and I wanted to give up my futile search.
Maybe I just wasn't good enough, I thought.

Now,
all of them are coming at me,
and it freaks the hell outta me -
you can't accept one without offending the other.
This is not say that our school's career office
isn't always that helpful.
It seems more concerned with its reputation
than the students' career welfare.
Sighs.

Since when did internships start raining down on me?
Since when did dreams turn into nightmare in reality?
I'm sick and tired of all this shit.

2011-03-13T20:00:00.001+08:00

Sometimes pushy people just get on your nerves, don't they?

Wazzup with you?
Could you just calm down?
You're a bunch of nerves
and it's freaking us out.
It's recess week.
Chill

2011-03-11T14:11:00.001+08:00

Just happy :)

2011-03-06T22:36:00.000+08:00

"Thanks! See you when I come back! :D"

:)

2011-03-05T09:27:00.002+08:00

You appeared in my dreams last night.
You tried saying goodbye.
But I was too busy
indulging in my own fun.
And I missed it.
Aren't dreams supposed to be a mirror of reality?
It's so warped up.
I'm so warped up.

You were the reason I gave to another.
It drew the soul out of him.
He became withdrawn and
I saw the sunshine evaporate out from him.
Not his chirpy, happy go lucky self any more.
The guilt is eating me up,
thought I've done nothing wrong.

On the other hand,
I felt liberated,
from him too.
I was getting really sick and tired of him.
I'm sorry.

It's a roundabout,
it's a lazy Susan.
We never get what we want.
Life is mocking at us.

What's wrong with me?

2011-02-25T00:29:00.000+08:00

Oh dear.
Why are you so nice?

:)

2011-02-24T17:10:00.001+08:00

I know this sounds stupid

but

your reply was absolutely uplifting.

It still seemed so surreal that you came to speak to me

outta the blue.

Am I dreaming?

2011-02-19T04:50:00.003+08:00

I miss the old times.
I miss all the connection that I've had with people.
I miss the times when I can just chill out happily
with no other thoughts on my mind.
I miss those carefree times.
I miss my freedom
which ironically, was lost at home.
Most importantly,
him being so nice,
just made me miss you even more.
After so many people,
you're still the Best I ever had.
Sadly,
it was prolly never the same on your side.

2011-02-19T04:48:00.001+08:00

why can't you stop being nice to me :(
it's driving me crazy.
in fact,
the guilt is killing me.

2011-02-17T22:38:00.002+08:00

I'm dying inside.
All these gotta stop.
It's killing me.
Am I really that sucky?
I don't think I'm any bit inferior to you.

2011-02-14T22:44:00.002+08:00

It was a normal date.
The guy was nothing but awesome.
Nothing was wrong.
The only thing that isn't right was me.

Smart,
sweet,
sensitive,
caring,
eloquent,
truthful,
sincere.

But I can't help feeling sad.
We're like two people in two different worlds.
He's good, happy and nice.
You feel the pure innate goodness flowing from his within.
He is reliable.

Me,
albeit the cheery demeanor,
deep down lurks
a dark, warped up complex.
Simply screwed up.

We're too different.
I can't help feeling like I owe him something.
I can't bear to make him sad.
I don't want him to end up like me.

You're just too good for me.
I don't know why.
Too good for me
the ugly, screwed up black swan.

2011-02-12T02:05:00.002+08:00

A wave of sadness rushed over me.
It's never right, isn't it?
Why does it always turn out this way?
Don't want anymore of it.
Screw it.

Monday's Vday.
I've got a date.
But why aren't I any bit excited about it?
The wrong one,
yet again.

I feel bad
as though I'm leading someone on.
Kinda confused though.

Sick of all of it.

2011-02-08T10:00:00.003+08:00

I'm so tired, so exhausted
but I can't stop.
It's feels as though you've completed only a quarter of your own marathon,
the fatigue starts setting in,
you got tired but you can't stop,
you can't give up
'cause you can't give up on yourself - never.
And then you start wondering,
am I that lousy?
The mind is willing but the body is ailing.

Isn't it ironic,
how your physiology works against your psychology
when you're supposed to be a whole person,
not an assembly of conflicting bits.

Even the most tenacious minds find it hard to conquer the limits of physiological fatigue.
Sometimes I wish I have more physical energy.

2011-02-07T18:52:00.002+08:00

truckloads of uncivilized pigs,
shipped from the ancestral land,
i remember a time my forefathers sailed from the once glorious motherland;
similar journey, different times.
only three generations' worth of time differential
yet it's hard to believe how to different we are now
- it's as though we were of a different race.

2011-02-07T00:04:00.002+08:00

nothing but happiness and bliss :)
Don't pop my bubble please.

a montage of secretive thoughts

2011-02-04T13:41:00.003+08:00

What does Chinese New Year mean to you?
One of those rare moments to make you love your family more -
and it's not the monetary gains made off them mind you.

I think I'm beginning to like you.
I'm not sure... do you?

Karma's gonna find me someday for what I did to you.
But your sudden obsession just freaked me out.
Stop calling me tingting and I'm not your sister.

Busy, busy, busy.
Busy doing work on second day of Chinese New Year.
Oh and let's not miss out
the frenzy my entire accounting group experienced on the eve of CNY,
trying to figure out how to do up the accounting notes.
And I had to countdown in the bathroom.
What a cool way to countdown.

Thanks jojo for forwarding me the accounting notes format.
But your email title of hello panda earned
me the permanent nickname of miss panda
which eventually evolved to become miss hot bamboo
in my accounting group.
Still you rock.

Remember to smile in the face of adversities -
it's the best way to piss the devil off.

neither here nor there

2011-01-12T13:31:00.002+08:00

I know I ain't supposed to feel this way,
ain't supposed to feel guilty,
ain't supposed to feel anything more,
ain't supposed to be thinking anymore.
But
this nagging feeling just ain't going away.

Neither here nor there.
You made me feel bad.
Now I don't know how to go on from here.

Totally hate this undefined feeling
which seems to have an indefinitely prolonged lifespan.

2011-01-12T00:33:00.002+08:00

Today I learned about undifferentiated phrasing
and how it can make you a great, engaging speaker.
For a long while,
I've been misled to think that strong personalities
are essential ingredients for success in making moving speeches.
I was wrong all along.
Good speakers,
like Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton,
are rather reactive than dominating.
Emotion-invoking speeches occur when
dynamic interactions between the speaker and the audience are made.
Instead of leading, you have to follow the flow
and improvise,
thus, requiring a taste of spontaneity
in the art of making great speeches.
Apparently,
gesticulations constitute
55% of the speech -
the so-called "7%-38%-55% rule" -
gotta work on my phrasing I guess

x wan ting

Sth insidious had been breeding within all along

2011-01-02T01:57:00.003+08:00

It crept up on me when I least expected.
Thought I had been so over it
but now it feels just like I've been going in circles all this while.
I told a close friend,
in a state of silly, drunken unconsciousness,
that, at that moment,
I was missing you real bad
because
you were the only one I could trust.
This was something that was not known to my conscious ego
and had lurked within the parameters of my unconscious Id.
Sigmund Freud would have agreed to my assumption
and called this repression, a defense mechanism to cope with stress.
But behavioral psychologists would say otherwise,
labeling it classical conditioning
and attribute it to a conditioned learned response
triggered by formerly unconditioned stimulus
which had been transformed to a conditioned one over time.
Given the two proposed theories,
I'd pick the latter.
I have to pick the latter.
I've got no choice.
I do not wanna get stuck in the past
and in limbo.
Even if it means committing intellectual dishonesty.
I've got no choice.
My hands are tied.

Fading life of my grandad: Transient moments of happiness

2010-12-25T22:56:00.003+08:00

When we first entered the room,
the first thing that hit me was how the gigantic, looming bed seemed to be framing
his frail, tiny torso. This invoked some sort of unexplained,
illogical fear and anxiety in me that slowly, as he fade away,
day by day,
some day he might disappear into thin air,
both physically and spiritually.

...

As mom left the room to take care of some stuff,
he closed his tired eyes and fell into a deep sleep.
I looked on,
and wondered,
how is it possible that someone can look so much in pain
even as they sleep.

(Even when he was awake,
he wore a permanent downtrodden, chronically fatigued pained expression.
It was a depressing sight to an outsider.
But mom seemed used to it and spoke to him in the usual casual, upbeat tone.
Occasionally, he would break into peals of constipated laughter
and his old, tired eyes twinkled-
those were the rare few moments
when life seemed to reverse its course of exodus out of him)

Suddenly, his largely defunct sixth sense seemed
to have mysteriously registered my presence while consciousness eluded him,
and his eyes flickered open.
With a cheeky smile plastered across his small, sunken face,
he mumbled a bunch of hokkien to me.
As he spoke, his eyes lit up, invigorated and excited.
I leaned forward, in a futile bid to make out his gibberish.
Granddad, you wait! I'll go get mom.
Mom came in, all anxious and worried.
He mumbled a few more times into her ears.
Oh! He was just asking when are you entering uni!
To her dad: She doesn't know hokkien!
He chuckled with minimal movements and maximum effort.
Once again, his eyes twinkled.
I'm glad to have made him happy
albeit a small way.

Life in that calm, tranquil yet prosaic and plain room
is mundane, lacking and utterly meaningless.
Lying on a bed,
fighting a loosing battle against Parkinson's
and waiting for death isn't exactly the happiest thing in the world.
Antidepressants can only work that much;
it stops you from thinking through inhibiting serotonin reuptakes
but it can never substitute the role of a human touch.

...

Today's one of the most special and fulfilling xmas I've ever had.
His laughter, though rare and truncated,
is enough for a day's happiness for me.
I'm so glad I didn't miss out on such precious moments.

Merry Xmas,
my loved ones :)

2010-12-21T01:19:00.002+08:00

Treading along the lines of much ambiguity between friendship and beyond.
This whole thing seems like a riddle tougher than
those unresolved metaphysical conundrums of the universe.
I just hope this happiness bubble would never burst.
And stay forever that way.

Excerpts from Mark Twain's autobiography Vol I

2010-12-15T09:45:00.004+08:00

"... and last committeeman was the reigning Governor of the state,
Waller, a smooth-tongued liar and moral coward."

"As for myself I was inwardly boiling all the time:
I was scalping Ward, flaying him alive, breaking him on the wheel pounding him to jelly,
and cursing him with all the profanity known to
the one language that I am acquainted with,
and helping it out in times of difficult and distress with odds and ends of profanity
drawn from the two other languages
of which I have a limited knowledge."

"He told what I have before orelated about the robberies perpetrated upon him
and upon all the Grant connection by this man Ward,
whom he had so thoroughly trusted,
but he never uttered a phrase concerning Ward
which an outraged adult might not have uttered concerning an offending child.
He spoke as a man speaks who has been deeply wronged
and humiliated and betrayed;
but he never used a venomous expression or one of a vengeful nature."

"'He was not as bad as the other' - meaning Ward.
It was his only comment.
Even his writing looked gentle."

"This was just like General Grant. It was absolutely impossible
for him to entertain for a moment any proposition
which might prosper him at the risk of any other man."

-In the words of late Samuel L. Clemens;
pen name Mark Twain.

2010-12-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

It was a period of long, wary darkness;
a badly overdue case of accumulated, emotional assaults.

2010-12-13T14:58:00.002+08:00

waiting, keep on waiting.
the longer the wait,
the more likely the hopes will be dashed.
but you can't do anything,
so you keep on waiting,
waiting for this uncertainty to end.

2010-12-12T10:52:00.002+08:00

It was there for a fleeting moment.
And then it was gone.
The sparkle was gone.

Freudian slip or just a slip of the tongue?

2010-12-11T10:50:00.003+08:00

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child"
- Former President George W. Bush

So much for the Oedipus complex.

Zimbardo attributed it to mix-ups in brain mechanisms used to produce language though;
no relation to unconscious intentions.

Still this is worthy of a good laugh
to cheer ourselves up
while in the midst
of carrying on our boring, mundane lives.

2010-12-10T20:17:00.003+08:00

Whenever I feel dejected or my self esteem got hurt
by a bad round of interview,
I'd take out the little Hay Group leather name card holder
I got from my prof for coming in second in my cohort for my case study analysis
and it sort of brightens me up a little.
It makes me feel that there's at least someone out there
who truly believes in my ability to do well.
Thank you Prof Quazi,
I know I wrote you a card,
but I could never thank you enough for the precious esteem boost you gave me. :)

2010-12-09T02:18:00.000+08:00

Oh God. Don't remind me of the past, please.

2010-12-09T01:51:00.002+08:00

I just figured out that one can cure epilepsy by a "split brain" surgical procedure
whereby you sever the connection between the brain's right and left hemispheres
called the corpus callosum.
Initially, I was overwhelmed with delight that I've discovered a cure to my late grandma's disease which plagued her for most of her lifetime
and couldn't wait to tell my mom about it.
On second thoughts,
it's kinda insensitive since she had to put up with all the hardships
of having an epileptic mom through her growing up years
when all these coulda been resolved by a surgical procedure
that was available since eons ago.
I don't want her to be guilt-ridden too.
So I'm just gonna pen down my little secret here
and sit up all night till my emotional frustrations fade away.

Although epilepsy is one problem gone, unresolved,
there're still hope for the schizo and the Parkinson's in her life.
I hope tonight's research's gonna churn out some good leads to these mysteries.

the latent Power of Systems

2010-12-08T22:06:00.002+08:00

System power creates, maintains, and gives meaning and justification to a situation
as exemplified in Stanford Prison Experiment
and, to quote something more real and chronologically relevant to us,
the abuses at Abu Gharib.

In the Schlesinger Report,
an investigative attempt headed by former U.S Secretary of Defense
and a committee of generals and high-ranking officials,
reasons seeking to answer to the deviant, abusive behaviours exhibited by ordinarily humane individuals are deindividuation, dehumanization, enemy image, groupthink, moral disengagement, social facilitation and other environmental factors.
All these highlight the vulnerability of individuals to situational influences
but they fail to expose to the faulty systems which allowed such immoral situations to prevail.

Most systems are transparent, concealing much often their operation from outsiders...
so even when a system is failing to meet its objectives and goals...
or in mega corporations that engage in corrupt practices
(think Enron),
higher-ups are hidden from public scrutiny.
Adding on,
the ultimate blame lies on the unfortunate, innocuous few
at the bottom of this pyramid of evil
whereby their actions are merely the very by-products
of obedience to authority and reflections of the systemic reality
and wind up as unwilling scapegoats
carrying the burdens of systemic errors
and society's fundamental attribution error tendencies
in accounting such atrocities as character flaws and dispositional theories.

Just my two cents worth after studying Social Psych for my finals.

The Bystander Riddle: The Evil of Inaction

2010-12-08T22:04:00.003+08:00

"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing"

-British Statesman, Edmund Burke

the often understated Power of Obedience Authority

2010-12-08T21:54:00.001+08:00

"When you think of the long and gloomy history of man,
you will find more hideous crimes have been committed int the name of obedience
than have been committed in the name of rebellion"

-British author C.PO Snow

shiny happy people

2010-12-07T00:06:00.002+08:00

It took me a friend to realise how happy and contented with my life I am right now.
A while ago I was still worried that I'd be left alone
when all my friends get attached.
But, now, I couldn't have been more indifferent to anything related to romance.

Thanks sexy bitch!
You're the best!
I'm so glad we're still in touch after so long.
You made me a shiny happy person today,
and one day,
you'd be too.
I know it's hard for you,
since you've taken a different route from the rest of the people.
But I'm confident that one day
your dream will come true.
I'm on your side.

Meanwhile,
may your virginia slims uno white take you away to utopia for awhile.
Enough of finger-pointing
and being judgmental,
we're all humans after all.

2010-12-06T09:41:00.001+08:00

I used to fantasize about having a musician boyfriend.
You weren't exactly one,
but you were close.

The Two Yous

2010-12-05T15:48:00.003+08:00

#1Sometimes I wonder,
during my slow bus rides,
where I'll look out of the window and think about my past,
where tides of memories come flooding back,
what would we have been like if we hadn't started out the wrong way;
I miss playing guitar and singing songs with you.
I miss hanging around someone
who loves and enjoys music as much as I do.
I miss having someone who share my interest in arts
and enjoy intellectual discourse.
I just wished it hadn't began the wrong way
and gone the wrong way.

#2You appeared in my dream lately.
Mark Sloan reminded me very much of you.
In terms of the way you treated me,
the way you acted,
and sometimes I could see ourselves
in Lexie and Sloan.
I know I don't feel the same way about you the way they did for each other.
But nevertheless, I still missed the care you gave me when I was down last time;
the phone calls that go late into wee hours of the morning
when I was so afraid of the smothering darkness in my hostel;
the company you offered to me when I was really hitting rock bottom
and needed someone by my side.
You told me what I needed was a man in my life,
not those pretty boys.
I guessed you were right.
Take care dude!

2010-12-05T15:38:00.002+08:00

I've got a great idea to create some social change for my VWO.
I just hope it's not going to get shot down, again.
Sometimes it's really hard to believe in something that seems pretty impossible.
But that's what change is about isn't it?
Pushing for sth unconventional
when everyone looks you in the eye with a
are you kidding me incredulous look.

Yesterday's volunteering with OH! Open House showed me that as closed-up
as Singapore is, unconventional events are still possible.
Who woulda imagined that Alan would be able to import an European arts event of placing art pieces in peoples' houses and bringing tour groups along a trail of these houses into the Marine Parade town of Singapore?
Well, truth is they've successfully done it earlier this year
and they're gonna do it again this year.
Amazing isn't it.
Getting people to abandon their privacy
and open up their homes to
let artists transform their homes into art pieces isn't easy,
let alone asking them to let strangers tour their houses.
Amazing, amazing, amazing.
I'm glad to be part of it.
Now, when it comes to my turn to start sth different,
I hope I'll be able to do what they did,
albeit, on a smaller scale of course. :)
Be bold girl.

2010-12-05T10:52:00.002+08:00

Green collared jobs, green economy.
Possible?
Let's hope President Sarkozy
puts his inclination for the dramatic to good use.

I just read about cataclysmic pole-shift theory yesterday.
The Mayans predicted 21 Dec 2012 to be the Armageddon 5,200 years ago.
Einstein thought Charles Hapgood's earth-crust displacement seemed probable.
You see the pole might end up at New York
and Santa's home might end up at the equator.
That's what they're proposing.
I'm crossing my fingers.

2010-12-04T21:26:00.001+08:00

Information these days is a commodity;
understanding is scarce.
-Richard Stengel, Managing editor of TIME

from 29 letters to 27 letters

2010-11-28T20:05:00.002+08:00

Recently, the Royal Spanish Academy caused a big hoo-hah
when it decided to axe two letters out of the Spanish alphabets
Sadly, ch and ll will be gone.
It won't budge no matter
how badly people protest.

"Let's retire spelling,
the terror of all beings from the cradle,"
Gabriel Garcia Marque commented.
He admitted that his please were little more than
"bottles flung to the sea in the hope that
they would one day come to the god of all words"

:(

I like tomato, you like tomahto.

There's a method in madness...

2010-11-26T18:07:00.000+08:00

Hamlet:
Slanders, sir; for the satirical rogue says here that old men
have grey beards, that their faces are wrinkled, their eyes purging
thick amber and plum-tree gum, and that they have a plentiful
lack of wit, together with most weak hams; all which, sir, though
I most powerfully and potently believe, yet I hold it not honesty
to have it thus set down, for yourself, sir, shall grow old as I am, if
like a crab you could go backward.

Polonius:
[Aside] Though this be madness, yet there is method in't.

We are One.

2010-11-26T17:59:00.003+08:00

"All mankind is of one author, and is one volume;
when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of hte bppk;
but translated into a better language;
and every chapter must be so translated...
As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon,
calls not upon the preacher only,
but upon the congregation to come:
so this bell calls us all...
No man is an island, entire of itself...
any man's death diminishes me,
because I am involved in mankind;
and therefore never send to know for whom
the bell tolls; it tools for thee."

-In the words of poet, preacher John Donne
(Meditations XVII)

The Analects

2010-11-21T19:14:00.003+08:00

To rule people with power, to constrain them with the law,
people will behave but have no self-conscious.

To rule people with ethics, and constrain them with li,
people will have self-consciousness.

And as the saying goes,
Singapore is a fine city.
We can't seem to live as moral,m mindful citizens
without the constantly being bound by legislation.
How pathetic.

2010-11-21T09:44:00.002+08:00

#1 Me saying that we all have different needs,
saying that you are introverted,
you are alright with staying at home,
but I'm extroverted,
I have high social needs,
simply isn't the same as,
according to you,
"I have more friends than you have."
So what I'm saying does not constitute a personal attack
according to what you said.
It simply means you have less need to socialise I do.
IT'S PLAIN OBVIOUS THAT YOU ARE THE ONE WITH ISSUES ABOUT YOURSELF HERE
AND IRRATIONAL IN INTERPRETING EVERYTHING
THAT' I'VE GOT TO SAY.
Obviously I can't win you in your irrational argument
where you could simply put words into my mouth
whichever way you like
and have your entire alliance back you up.
Heard of a Freudian slip?
YOu've just revealed to me that you're a screwed up asshole.

#2 I wasn't the one who's picking a fight here.
I am the one who's receiving $110 per week
as compared to your $120 per week when you were a student.
So while I was arguing for an increase,
you simply used your $120 per week to
say that I am not entitled to one
based on EQUALITY.
Now,
I think you either have a really warped sense of logic
or YOU ARE SIMPLY REALLY TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT.
Hey, look who's the unreasonable one here.
After saying so much,
you turned around and said
"I simply do not like your tone of voice"
C'mon, if don't like my tone,
get straight to the point,
don't argue like some whiny girlfriend who brought up every single trivial matters,
and avoided the main thing that got her fed up.
Then, again, you don't know enough to judge
and you simply lack the credibility to.
Though you're 24,
you still sounded like a really immature teenager
with severely displaced angst.
Or to put it simply a JERK
trying to pick a fight.

#3 I did not do any form of personal attacks at all.
When I said you do not care enough for mom,
you do not really seem to listen to her,
you aren't there for her,
you got really defensive aboput it
and view it as a form a personal attack.
I was just describing your behaviour
and wasn't labeling you,
according to what you said
"an unfilial son".
And you got really upset and start using personal attacks on me.
You said
"Could you first try to speak proper english before you start arguing with me?"
When I get really worked up over something
I'd tremble thus
affecting my ability to speak fluently.
Anyway back to the main topic,
getting so defensive over something goes to show that
you feel guilty over that issue.
C'mon if you wanna fight like a kid
and start throwing personal attacks,
I could.
I could have said
your dressing sense is like shit
and always seem to me like you're gay.
But, no, I didn't insult you in anyway
but instead you were the one who began your acidic remarks.
YOu work very hard,
you are very stressed and upset over something,
I could understand.
But yesterday you are simply too much.
Self-righteousness is a sin.

c

2010-11-21T00:38:00.002+08:00

I don't believe that just because you're older than me,
you get my respect and
you get to judge me.
C'mon.
Who's the one who's always ignoring her
and totally don't even show any forms of visible communiciations with her
other than
"please wake me up at 6, thank you."
let along say,
exhibit signs of concerns for her.

And by the way money does not make up for time and effort
invested in a r/s.
You're only in her life in the monetary sense, your presence is largely invisible.
I told her I could do the same thing as you
and she broke down.
So, look at how good your method of compensation is doing.

Self-reflection is the first thing that you guys should do before
you judge.
Respect has to be earned through actions
not big talk
mind you.

Too busy and having no time are not valid excuses.
It just goes to show how low she is on your list of priorities.
I know I can't beat you guys with your superficial "family union".
Wish I could knock some sense into you guys
before you all turn into cocky jerks
who always assume you are right.
Till then, I've totally lost my respect for you guys.

2010-11-21T00:14:00.002+08:00

I can't stand it when people who know nothing
simply stand around and judge you for whatever you've done.
The frustration that built up in me
caused me to raise my voice,
but no,
they don't see it.
All they see is a one-off incident
that somehow suddenly
triggered them to do acts of "justice."
I absolutely hate it when people
whom I've no respect for
judge me.
Tell me
what have you done for this family so far?
Tell me
you've treated her with just as much respect I did when you totally ignored her
when she tried speaking to you.
Tell me that you've listened to her worries
and tried helping her cope with the issues she's facing.
Tell me that provided her with the company
and listening earn when she needed one.
Tell me that you've been the one
who's been caring for her
when our dad was mostly MIA.
Simply, tell me you're not an asshole.

So, no, you do not get to judge me
when I get emotional when I'm talking to her.

I'm tired of trying hard to be around and caring for her in place of our diysfunctional dad.
She's been trying to tie me to her apron strings,
always opposing whatever ideas I may have -
in fact her reply is so swift and predictable
that you could call it a reflex action.
Every single thing I do
is scrutinized and criticised by her.
You don't live in the same room as her,
so you don't know what it's like so, no, you don't get to judge.
You don't stay by her side long enough
to experience her verbal abuse such as
"Why are you so useless?"
"Why are you so stupid",
"Anyone with make up would look pretty
just like how you did in the picture".
So, no, you don't have to tolerate her constant assault
at your self esteem
so you don't get to judge me if I raise my voice at her.
You don't need to listen to her incessant nagging
and you don't need to be her regular dustbin
so, no, you don't experience the same thing as I do.

What I'm trying to say is,
you don't get to judge me
and act like you're trying to protect her,
when you simply do not care about her at all.
So I don't know why you're standing around
and barking like a stupid bitch
when your actions fail to show that you really care about her at all.

You do not go with her on visits to her sister in the IMH.
You do not listen to her worries about granddad and try to help her solve her issues.
You're simply not there for her.
You're not the life buoy she has been clinging onto to make her life meaningful.

YOU SIMPLY DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING.
AND PRIMARILY YOU ARE NOT EVEN QUALIFIED TO JUDGE.
PLEASE REFLECT ON YOURSELF BEFORE YOU MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF ASSHOLE.

Excerpts from Mark Twain - a pinwheeling, glittering and volcanic mind :)

2010-11-19T23:36:00.002+08:00

"I speak from the grave for a good reason:
I can thence speak freely."

"Talk only about the thing which interests you for the moment.
Drop it the moment its interest threatens to pale,
and turn your talk upon the new and more interesting thing
that has intruded itself into your mind meantime."

"... a tall, lean, skinny, yellow, toothless,
bald-headed, rat-eyed, professional liar and scoundrel."

"The mightiest disaster which has ever befallen this country.
The people had desired money before his day,
but he taught them to fall down and worship it."

"The enemy numbered six hundred, including women and children -
and we abolished them utterly,
leaving not even a baby alive to cry
for its dead mother."

"I can call back the prairie. its loneliness and peace,
and a vast hawk hanging motionless in the sky,
with his wings spread wide
and the blue of the vault showing through the fringe of their end feathers..."

"It is one of the mysteries of our nature
that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunderstroke like that and live."

"What is it all for?"

five things that I want: from TIME's top 50 inventions list

2010-11-16T00:29:00.001+08:00

Wishlist
Item #1
Waterless washing machine by Xeros
Uses stain-absorbin nylon beads; one cup of water needed only;
reduces water consumption by 90%

Item #2
Plastic Bottle Boat
floats on plastic bottles

Item #3
Martin Jetpack
Fly like a starwars character for 30mins;
absolute childhood fantasy meets reality

Item #4
Antro Electric Car
Runs on electricity; 3 seater;
two cars can be combined and transformed to double up its seating capacity;
like a tranformer character, so cool!

Item #5
Terrafugia Transition
Car may transform into a jet whenever she likes;
another transformer too.

Enough said, I'm saving up for a terrafugia jet now.
Love. X

why are the people in HR so weird?

2010-11-12T18:04:00.002+08:00

We took a test for an hour at the start of our four hour seminar.
You took straight after the test,
while the rest of us stayed on for the remaining of the lesson.
You told one of us you've a meeting to tend to.
Next thing we know,
you said you're doing your project on your own.
You only informed one of us
and merely made your own choice on what to research on
w/o our group's consensus.
And while we were having lessons,
you're doing our group project research
on your own wish.
I can't help wondering,
are you NUTS?
I could help you check into rehab.
Or maybe you're just too self-centred.
For your information,
the world doesn't revolves around you,
in case you haven't noticed for the first twenty years of your life.

One end you have Nutty, selfish people.
On the other, you have Lazy, not-so-bright people
whom you spend more time being their teacher than project counterpart.

Aiyoyo
Lyddat how 2 find FYP project mates!

2010-11-11T02:06:00.000+08:00

That's what friends are for :)

2010-11-10T22:08:00.002+08:00

I've never ever felt so demotivated before.
A serious lack in line of sight between performance and outcome.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going round in circles.
Extra input, decimated output.
Swimming in my pool of unrealised fantasies.
And drowning in my own self-fabricated morass of emotional fatigue arising from
fruitless hard work.

Why did I allow my last sem's gpa to dent my pride
and set off a series of mindless self-doubts?
My struggle to prove my intellectual worth to myself
is ironically leading to premature apoptosis of my much needed brain cells
due to the self-inflicted, numbing stress.
It's like hitting yourself on your head
and crying out in pain.

2010-11-09T01:01:00.002+08:00

Everything that happens to us, even the bad,
is part of us. Took me a long time to realise that.
Doesn't mean they define who we are; we get to decide that.
-Sara Sidle, C.S.I

2010-11-06T23:20:00.001+08:00

He reminded me of you today.
Just wanna say thanks for being one of the sweetest guy
and hope you're doing fine!

A meaningful spanish proverb indeed...

2010-10-27T00:29:00.002+08:00

En este mundo traidor
No hay verdad ni mentira
Todo es segun el color
Del cristal con que se mira

In this treacherous world
There is neither truth nor lie;
All is according to the color
Of the lens through which we spy.

My fav excerpts of a speech by Perm Sec(Trade and Industry) Ravi Menon

2010-10-25T23:26:00.003+08:00

"It is sometimes said that Western economies adopted the welfare state
to save capitalism from itself.
There is some truth to this."

'As economist Amartya Sen puts it: "The invisible hand of the market has often
relied on the visible hand of the government."'

'Paul Krugman says that much of the past 30 years of macroeconomics was
"spectacularly useless at best, and positively harmful at worst"'

"The choice is not between big government and small government.
It is about creating effective government... The size of governments may well have to shrink...
But the responsibilities of government may well have to expand."

2010-10-23T10:31:00.002+08:00

You know,
working with certain people,
can really make you feel like killing them.
Infantile ideas,
absurd proposals.
Makes you wonder if you're dealing with a fellow classmate
or a primary school student whose IQ has yet to be developed fully.
And then you'll start doubting the standards of your university
- how did they even get into your course in the first place?
Tons of your JC classmates who could do much better
than them got rejected from the course.
Something must be wrong with the selection criteria.
Or maybe its the quota put in place that 5% of them have to be of this kind.

Btw, you, there's "cratered" is synonymous with "voided",
we do not "crater our proposals to their needs".
I think you were trying to say "cater".

And "archaic, peripheral, avant-garde, impertinent"
aren't profound words that couldn't be understood by most people,
especially your top management since they'd be the ones reading the proposal.
Please don't assume that everyone's abilities are at your level -
just because you need to flip your dictionary,
doesn't mean your boss needs to.

And please stop making me explain every single thing to you
so that you could connect the dots and see the bigger picture.
You're wasting my time.

Go to hell.

2010-10-20T02:03:00.002+08:00

I just read about Congolese women being raped militias.
And how they are unwillingly transformed into pawns in this endless game of war.
Doctors said raping is not only a war weapon,
but also a war strategy.
Sounds real crude.
When is humanity ever get over ethnicity and territorial issues
and learn to live in peace and harmony?

Oh and there are bombings in Chechnya, Iraq,...
Why am I not surprised?
I guess this is what they call desensitization.

Sighs

Buenas Noches.

2010-10-19T01:18:00.003+08:00

Some friends of mine turn all cynical and bitter about life after being stung.
I hope I won't ever be like that.
I do treasure my optimism, a lot.

2010-10-18T22:46:00.002+08:00

I heard from a close friend of mine that my one of my good guy friend
finally got attached officially.
As a good friend of his,
I'd be entitled to know most of his love story
and I am really glad that his traffic light colour finally turned from ever green to red
for the first time in his life.
I've heard of his ambiguous r/s with this girl for more than a year.
But I am also disappointed that I did not hear this good news straight out of his mouth.

I remember a year ago how we were discussing about
us being doppelgangers of each other and it's impossible for us to ever be together
and I remember you were the one who started it.
And you once told me that my over friendliness would have misled certain guys including him.
Recently we drifted apart.
Why do I have this uncanny premonition that
the beginning of your r/s
marks the end of our friendship?
I've always seen you as a really good friend,
a friend whom I treasure a lot
and I could even say that I've identified you as
one of the few friends whom I intend to keep for life.
But that probably is a dream too hard to come through.
Most of my friends drift away after being in a relationship
and in the case of most guy friends,
they just fade off into the horizon.

Maybe you never saw me as valuable friend
or maybe I'm just overly sensitive.
But, do take care,
I'm really really glad you found your love
and I hope she is the right one.
Adios, mi amigo!

Magic of true blue friendship

2010-10-18T01:43:00.003+08:00

Today, I believed in telepathy.

“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.”

David Tyson Gentry

2010-10-16T13:01:00.004+08:00

I wanna ride a bike there, in those green green bali pastures
and feel my lungs with those in those crisp, clean airrrr.
I think I'd be reborn over there :)

2010-10-16T11:39:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I wish you aren't that busy,
but it's alright.
I told you that una vez que un amigo, siempre un amigo before,
you'll always be mi mejor amigo
y mi buenos confesor.

2010-10-16T02:31:00.003+08:00

I admire the courage of people with Huntington's disease.
Have you ever imagined what it's like to losing control of your limbs,
watch yourself being slurring and begin to lose the ability to speak,
watch yourself start losing memories and forgetting your loved ones,
watch your breathing get heavy and real difficult,
and finally watch your life slip away from your hands slowly
as your body functions shut down due to excessive muscle degeneration?
Knowing you have the disease causing genes are
as good as knowing you might start dying any moment from now.
There's a time bomb ticking in your body,
ready to implode on you.
How'd you lead your life?
How'd would you not let fear paralyse you?
How'd you cope with watching yourself die knowing there's absolutely no treatment for whatever parasitic pathogen that's taking you away from yourself?
It's almost like fighting a losing battle with the devil -you'll lose in the end.
But you are not allowed to give up,
'cause euthanasia isn't the natural way of life they say.
I've got absolutely no idea how I'm gonna do it if it's me.
Sometimes I'm just so entrenched in fear that I just lay there, dumbfounded.
I really admire their courage.

2010-10-16T01:44:00.003+08:00

dolce far niente
-the sweetness of doing nothing
how lovely and elegant the italians put it;
they make lazying around sound like a heavenly luxury;
a gift that human has but often left forgotten by us, busy Singaporeans.
I would love to go to Europe next time,
prolly once I've brushed up on my Spanish
and picked up all the remaining Romance languages.

Peace out ~

2010-10-16T01:41:00.002+08:00

To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life
- Elizabeth Gilbert,
Eat, Pray, Love

Life is great :)
I finally got a breather

2010-10-15T00:19:00.000+08:00

We are playing with ourselves in our own little worlds.
- Chris

2010-10-15T00:16:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if we're just friends or more than that.
But I'll always wind up thinking,
let's just leave it as it is now.

You know me so well.
And I'm comfortable with your familiarity.

2010-10-14T00:43:00.003+08:00

Just because you say it's squashed, doesn't mean it's squashed.
-Sam Willows; C.S.I

Hofesh Shechter Company

2010-10-10T00:26:00.002+08:00

Some people say words are replacing feelings, so err... they talk.. a lot,
but nah, I don't think so.
- In your rooms

Going back again and again

2010-10-10T00:05:00.004+08:00

Today you and I met on the bus.
You told me about your girlfriend.
You went on to tell me about your problems with her.
And then,
you ended by telling me you want to break up with her very badly.
This sounds like a scenario that happened last year,
around this time,
when you sat on the steps
and told me the same thing.

Last year,
you told me you wanna to break up because of conflicts,
lifestyle differences blah blah blah.
But,
you said it was not good to initiate a break up due to falling out of love
and in love with someone else.
This year,
you brought up the same topic again
and that you've been wanting to do that since ages.
But,
you refused to tell me the reason why
the idea of breaking up has been swimming in your mind for so long.
Can't let go yea? I quizzed.
No. You shook your head.

You told me you got really excited when you saw my name on your cca name list
and how disappointed you were when you realised
it was someone else who have shared the same name as me.
Given what happened in the past,
I can't help wondering,
what is it that you're trying to tell me.

You've never complained about your girlfriend to me
except on the night of the "confession"
and today.
So what now?

I wanted to dance for you

2010-10-07T12:30:00.003+08:00

Dance is the most special thing to me.
Perhaps it is tied heavily to my self-concept.
After all, it's virtually been with me since I was born
- since I was four.
It is the most precious thing I could give.
I wanted to dance for you.
I almost danced for you.
The two special yous who came and gone.
Many people classify r/s as whether they held hands,
whether it was official etc.
For me,
the desire to dance for you
is the best indicator of how strong I felt at that moment.
Of course,
you'll never know.
But it's alright.
As they sing:
We're be marching on.
Thanks for the memories :)

2010-10-03T19:56:00.003+08:00

Sometimes happiness is just a facade.
You thought maybe by pretending to be happy
you could make the pain all go away;
you'd convince yourself you're happy and truly be happy.
Self-delusional in disguise of optimism?
More like primary survival instincts.

2010-10-03T01:32:00.002+08:00

I wonder why I can't be normal like other girls;
be satisfied with a sweet and caring the other
and live happily ever after together.
Probably I don't like clinging on to a life buoy
just to fill myself with TLC everyday.
This just ain't what I'm searching for.
Like Yang said,
you're either born simple... or me.
Sometimes I envy these girls who are easily contented.
Sometimes I wonder am I just too stringent.
Most of the time I find myself saying there isn't the One, for me.
I guess I'm a skeptic about romance now.
A hardcore one.
All of the time, I wind up thinking,
fuck it,
all these thinking isn't worth my time at all.

2010-10-03T01:30:00.002+08:00

I just turned atheist.
All thanks to quantum mechanics
and a Stephen Hawking.

2010-10-03T01:00:00.004+08:00

I bumped into you along the school corridor this Tue.
When you saw me,
you nearly jumped out of your skin
and darted behind the elevator.
I can't help wondering why.
Was it my screwed up fringe that stunned you?
Was it the guilt that sprang up on you?
Or was it just you and your socially awkward self.

Well, I thought I saw guilt in your eyes.

Tonight I missed you.
Marina South Pier. Pretty near Marina Barrage.
Why weren't you there when I'm so tired
and needed a ride home?

2010-09-27T11:22:00.004+08:00

What I've learnt so far,
is that
the people who've loved and cared about you,
they somehow always wind up coming back,
for you.

2010-09-26T11:52:00.001+08:00

I don't know... You are either born simple or... me

How apt.

Fucktarts

2010-09-25T10:52:00.002+08:00

FT#1 Blardy postman stood outside my window
and shouted persistently for ages
before he's greeted by an eerie sight -
a half-awake, scruffy me with an incredibly huge frown plastered across on my face
that would give the Hulk a run for his money for being the most nightmarish movie character.
I had dirt on my eye and my hair was in a huge mess.
Also, my migraines did no good in alleviating my bad mood.
He took off the instant I signed his postage.
Good day to you, Mr LazyPig Postman.

FT#2 They likened her beauty to a Goddess.
They say her sparkling eyes could kill.
They got mesmerised by her pretty face.
But
that's as far as it goes.
Those who get trapped by her overwhelming superficial ability,
too bad for you, you're headed for tragedy.
Those who tried to look deeper,
they often find a void behind that attractive demeanor.
What a disappointment, they lament.
She's a Goddess, in a superficial sense.
What a pity that no mysterious heavenly character lies beneath that skin deep beauty.
This is a tragedy.
And I'm done working for you.
You make alien cow sense.
But thanks for being nice in front of me
and complaining about me behind my back.
You obviously lack the grace of a Goddess
which makes you pretty much
just a brainless porcelain vase,
lacking in taste and elegance.
I'm done talking here.

It's amazing how many fuck tarts we find in reality in our lives when resources are so scarce and we find worthy people starving to death while these fucktarts walk around freely and happily after making peoples' lives around them difficult. They should be rounded up and shipped off to Planet Z where they rightfully belong.

2010-09-20T20:51:00.003+08:00

There's only one thing that I badly wanna do right now:
Sit down at a regular bar,
with an old friend,
doing nothing other than
enjoying my weekly fix of erdinger dark.

(And, most importantly, nobody gets drunk so I needa take care of nobody.)

Oh,
and some live band at the background would be good too!

2010-09-15T09:37:00.007+08:00

Once certain things happen to you,
you will realise one day,
that you'd never be able to go back to who you were before.
You change who you are
because the pain was too great
and you bury it deep down,
deep deep down,
you remake yourself into someone else,
you pass everyday,
unfeeling,
with those things buried so deep in your consciousness,
that they eventually become part of your unconsciousness.
As time passes,
you forget about their existences,
but these insidious devilish intangibles
still lurk around like those cockroaches living under your noses undetected.
Some day,
certain things happen again,
history repeats itself they say,
you got reminded of how you used to be,
you started getting those chills from these deja vu.
Unknowingly,
you started turning back to your old self,
thinking you've healed,
thinking you're strong, you're superman.
That's when these blardy time bombs resurface in your mind.
You begin to feel the pain,
so raw just like back then.
That's when you wake up wondering
if the world has moved at all.
Have you been dreaming all these time,
happily thinking that you're over it?
And that's when you awaken;
that's when you realise,
time doesn't change a single thing,
time doesn't heal wounds,
time is an intangible dimension that exists only in your perceptions.
You don't move,
neither does time.
That's it.
I've moved.
I am not who I was.
I'd never be and I never gonna will.
Changing back,
entails moving back in time.
I can't it's too painful.
I can hardly breath.

The Three Yous

2010-09-11T02:12:00.002+08:00

Best I ever had
You gave me memories I'd never forget
You gave me the time of my life
You taught me what romance was
You brought me to a higher level of experience.
You'd be the best I ever had.

You were in some way my first.
You offered me thrills and many a times, an unyielding listening ear.
You weren't my love
But you're always there.
You've made me happy in a brotherly, platonic way.
You'd be the best god brother I ever had.

You came into my life with a bang.
I never believed in instant chemistry till I saw you.
It was as thought I knew you
since a long time ago.
I grew fond of you almost within an instant.
But you prolly hid your Mr Hyde from me.
And now I'm not so sure of anything anymore.

You, you and you.

I've had enough.
I'm growing tired of r/s
I've developed commitment phobia.
I'm truly, madly, deeply happy being alone.
Singlehood is a bliss.
I'm friggin' lovin' it.

2010-09-05T15:55:00.006+08:00

As we lay on the mat you brought,
gazing at the moonlight,
the midnight skies dotted with myriads of tiny twinkling stars
The whole universe melted away.
Just you and me.
The warmth of your arms around me.
The silly little star-spotting competition we had.
I remember I had my back facing you
and you didn't like it.
Turn around you said.
I complied.
And we lay for hours,
staring and boring into each others' eyes.
We melted into each others' universe
and we became One, singular celestial body.
Those were the sweetest memories
I have of my life,
so far.

How are you doing now?
We were so close before,
but now we are so far.
I can't help feeling that it's sucha waste
that we are not even friends.

Sometimes I have the urge to ask you out for coffee,
to catch up and see how you're doing,
but I don't know what to say
and I don't know how to say it,
without you misinterpreting it as a sign of renewed interest.

Sometimes I'd picture us
having coffee and a casual chat in some simple cafe.
Sighs.
Why are some things so hard?